Vicky Pattison has opened up about her heartbreak at the death of her best friend.
The former Geordie Shore star revealed her friend Paul Burns died back in June aged 37 following a night out with friends.
Appearing on Wednesday’s Loose Women to promote her new campaign You’re Not Alone, Vicky said she’s had “one of the toughest summers” of her life.
Read more: Vicky Pattison pays tribute after best friend dies aged 37
She said: “I definitely wanted to [come on the show]. I’ve had, as you mentioned, probably one of the toughest summers of my life. I thought it was very important that I came here today and used my platform for something good.”
The star continued: “I consider myself quite a strong, determined and assured woman but what I’ve been through took the wind out of my sails.
“I don’t think anything can prepare you for loss like that. Especially when, like you say, it’s traumatic and it’s not expected.
“Paul was hilarious and warm and witty and just a truly amazing person. He was fantastic. With someone who is so full of life and vibrant, you never consider your life without them.”
Explaining Paul’s tragic death, Vicky said after a night out on the town they didn’t hear from Paul which was unusual because “even if he had the wildest night out, he’d be the one in the group chat straight away making you laugh”.
She said: “We had all been out for a night out and we’d made him a little makeshift birthday as I’d missed his, I’d been in South Africa. He was over the moon.
“I remember coming home and actually tweeting ‘I’ve got the best friends in the world, I’m so lucky’. Looking back, I feel like I was given that one last night, just as like a gift.”
Vicky added: “When we didn’t hear from him [the next day] we became concerned and that quickly became suspicious.
“We tried to find out who he’d been with the night before after he left us and went clubbing. Concerns grew between my friends.
“It was a phone call from one of our mutual friends Emma that he’d been found dead. His heart just stopped.”
Talking about her grief, Vicky revealed: “You don’t want to believe it, you don’t want to accept it.
“We all got together, me and all the girls, we went through all sorts of different ranges of grief, a full spectrum: celebrating his life, toasting him and telling funny jokes that he told, anecdotes, and then crying and then I was angry, angry that I didn’t get to say bye, or that it was him because he didn’t deserve it.”
Vicky explained that Paul’s death was the reason why she postponed her wedding to businessman fiancé John Noble.
She said: “It didn’t feel right to be planning something that’s meant to be so happy when you don’t feel happy. And even worse, when you do feel happy, you feel guilt about being happy, because why should I be happy?”
Read more: Vicky Pattison ‘drowning in pain and grief’ after best friend’s death
She added: “The three things that I found have helped me are some sort of semblance of normality back in my life, acknowledging it, for ages I didn’t want to accept that Paul was gone.
“I just wanted to get my head down. Go to gym and act like things were normal. Don’t let anyone say to you, ‘pull yourself together’ or ‘come on, it’s going to be alright’ – you don’t need that.”
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