Alexandra Burke is flying high on Strictly Come Dancing and widely tipped to lift the glitterball trophy at the end of the series.
However, the former X Factor winner, 29, has confessed she feels “guilt” at experiencing joy on the dance floor following her beloved mum’s death.
Alexandra’s mother, Soul II Soul singer Melissa Bell, passed away in August, shortly before Alexandra was due to start her Strictly journey.
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Speaking to Radio Times, Alexandra said that she felt guilty experiencing happiness at scoring 39 out of 40 points for her jive last week, as her mum wasn’t there to share it with her.
“It was the happiest I have been for a very long time,” she said.
Alexandra explained her emotions changed when she saw her proud brother in the audience cheering her on.
“Within a split second, my delight turned to overwhelming sadness as I imagined my mum sitting alongside him,” she said.
“I immediately felt guilty for feeling such joy.”
Alexandra and pro partner Gorka Marquez were awarded the first 10s of the series, scoring an incredible 39 out of 40 for their jive.
At first, Alex was jubiliant – and shocked – before dissolving into tears, saying: “I wish my mum was here.”
She was comforted by Gorka and Strictly co-host Claudia Winkleman.
Alexandra told Radio Times that Gorka had been “upset” she hadn’t told him how much she’d been struggling following her mum’s death.
However, she said the rehearsal room is her “sanctuary” and she hadn’t wanted to bring her grief to the dance floor.
“To be honest, I don’t want to bring my personal stuff to rehearsals,” she said.
“It is a happy place where I force myself to leave my grief at the door and focus on being creative and having fun.”
She added that she’s since learned she can be more open about her grief and praised the Strictly fans and public for being so supportive.
In August, devastated Alexandra vowed to continue with Strictly following her mum’s death, as it’s something her mother would have wanted for her.
The heartbroken star said: “Mummy has always been my biggest supporter and was over the moon when I told her I was doing Strictly.
“It was always a dream of hers that I would one day be part of the show and I know that she would have wanted me to carry on.”
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Alexandra also spoke on last week’s Strictly spinoff, It Takes Two, about breaking down after her jive.
“It wasn’t meant to be (emotional) because the jive is meant to be so much fun,” she said.
“But I think what happened to me is I saw my brother and my boyfriend in the audience and I visualised my mum.
“It was all a bit too much for me because I wanted her to be there to celebrate that moment with us.”