So the names are out for Strictly Come Dancing 2021. And, once again, the illustrious line up has been met with the same shoulder shrug from the public they always give.
Of course historically we know that no matter how “disappointing” a line up is, viewers will continue to watch Strictly in their droves.
And boy, do they. The last series was still consistently watched by over 10 million avid fans.
That’s because the BBC is lucky – Strictly has such a devoted following that producers could chuck a bunch of folks from GB News on the dance floor and people would still lap it up.
But are Strictly Come Dancing viewers being short changed?
Are we really getting to see the stars we want to see being swept across the ballroom floor?
Or are producers more keen to simply tick boxes and make statements than offer us celebs we want to root for.
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When this year’s crew of celebs – which included John Whaite, Nina Wadia, Tilly Ramsay, Rhys Stephenson and Dan Walker – were sensationally unveiled, were any of us actually excited?
Did our jaws drop?
Erm… No.
They were all very pleasant stars, but sadly not very exciting ones and none warranting the big countdown reveal they were given.
After all, would you rush home to see any of them do a pasa doble?
This is the problem – and not just with Strictly.
Celeb line ups these days are more about trying to be right on and cool instead of serving up stars we actually care about.
So how do these line ups get chosen?
Of course we know the likes of George Clooney aren’t ever going to “do reality”, but surely there should be more stars we have an actual affection for.
Or at least names who make us gasp: “Wow! I can’t believe they’re doing it!”
So how does the process work? Just how are these celebs chosen?
Here’s how we imagine it happens, with our tongue very firmly in cheek!
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Picture the scene… Penny, the glamorous celeb producer of Help! I’m Strictly On Ice is lying back in her leopard-print desk chair, sipping champagne and flicking through the latest issue of Vogue.
Suddenly her mobile springs into life, the theme tune to the show she is currently casting fills the air.
It’s the head of the network. “We need a new line up for the show,” he whimpers. “You know the drill.”
And the drill is this.
Penny reaches into her drawer and slides out her celeb booking checklist bible and begins to think.
Bag a former teen heart throb…
…And make sure it’s one who still has legions of fans. Helps if they’re still young enough to have a huge devoted fanbase who are all over social media.
This is always a good shout, because most viewers will have grown up with them and will be keen to see their idols back in action.
Think Lee Ryan, Tom from McFly, Harry Judd and Simon Webb.
Strictly Come Dancing 2021 checklist: Internal promotion
Look for any up-and-coming young stars on CBBC/CITV or BBC News/Weather.
The main viewers probably won’t know them from Adam, but their grandkids might.
Then, stick them with a popular pro and watch them land a prime-time gig.
See Alex Jones, Susanna Reid and Ore Oduba.
An Olympian
Get someone fresh off the back of the Olympics. Looks current. Looks sporty.
Sadly by the time the show comes around, they also look dated as the hysteria surrounding the Olympics tends to fade five minutes after the Games have ended.
Soap stars aplenty for Strictly 2021
Sign any soap star who can fit the show into their schedule – everyone loves a soap star!
They’re in our houses every night of the week. They’re like family.
All well and good, we hear you say, but get one who’s a real character, not some bit part who is insipid and dull.
Unless they have another quality that makes them stand out…
Strictly stars with a lot of influence
Get an influencer – they’ll attract younger viewers to replace the oldies who’ll probably pop their clogs before the grand final.
Doesn’t matter if you haven’t heard of them and they have the personality of a gherkin.
If they have over 5 million followers, they’re just right for the show. Just don’t get them to talk much.
Bag a politician – it’ll make the show look cerebral.
One word of warning here though.
Make sure they’re very left wing, have never said anything offensive, may have had an affair (that’s socially acceptable and inevitable) and are definitely not Nigel Farage!
Acting up on the Strictly 2021 dance floor
An actor – not a trashy actor from Hollyoaks. A proper actor, whose been in a costume drama and done theatre, darling, though not a juke box musical. Unless you’re Meryl Streep!
All well and good to bag a thesp, but most of the time they end up being the type who are prone to hone and drone on about their craft and will take the rehearsals for the show deadly seriously!
Dull, dull, dull.
Reality bites for the cast of Strictly Come Dancing 2021
Must bag a reality star – a slightly cool reality star. Bake Off Is good. Apprentice too. Definitely Dragons’ Den.
They might have done non-scripted telly shows like Made In Chelsea, but they most definitely haven’t done Naked Attraction or Ex On The Beach.
Reality stars are only exciting within the confines of their own show. Fact!
Outside of it, who cares what they do or say!
Normally reality is a steer clear unless the channel is keen to see how popular a star is before they give them a green light for a new light entertainment show on BBC Three…
We will gradually fall in love with the stars, though
Job done, Penny the producer smugly sits back in her chair, looks at her selection of stars and proudly emails them off to the network.
Not bad for five minutes work.
The big wigs have no clue who anyone is but as they pay Penny over £150k a year to pull these “stars” in, they believe in her choices and give Pen a bonus!
Then it’s over to the viewers who sigh when they see the reveals, hoping they’d be seeing has-beens from their favourite cheesy pop bands, old school kids’ TV shows and tabloid shockers.
Then, as the cold weather sets in, viewers settle down to watch their weekly shows and gradually fall in love with the people they’d previously had no affection for.
Bring back Celebrity Big Brother! Fast!
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